For My Raincloud

Written Nov 16th, 2008, after the depression began to clear, and I realized how my son's love and my love for him had saved my life.

I - The Trial
I wander blindly through the sweltering desert
Tripping, stumbling, bitten by snakes and scorpions
My bare feet scorched and swollen
My face raw and red
The glaring, unyielding sun destroying me
My eyes useless and bloodshot
The relentless sun piercing my eyelids
My head pounding and ears ringing
The sweat, the tears, the substance of life
Draining from me a little more each day
I scramble from baking rock to rock
Hoping for a little bit of shade
But there is no mercy, there is no rest
And I trudge forward, lost and alone
Dying and broken, wondering why
Why don't I just die?

They say every so often in this desert
A raincloud comes and breathes life into the parched land
I once chased a cloud
Screaming, tearing at my hair
Gasping for air, believing so hard that just maybe
Maybe
Maybe
I could hide under that cloud
Even just for a day.
I finally collapsed, half dead and defeated
Knowing that what they say is a lie.

And so I continue, the sun growing hotter each day
I don't let the snakes come close
I kill the scorpions
I've learned to travel with my eyes closed
Sensing my path
But the pain is so real, so much worse
Now that I know it will never be relieved.


II - Regeneration
I see a cloud in the distance
My heart pounds with hope
Hope, that virus which eats your heart
And keeps you going against all odds.
But I snatch it away from myself and feed it to the snakes
Now they won't feed on me
And I won't die of broken dreams,
Again,
Once again.
The cloud grows closer, ever closer
I know I will never experience it's rain
But I start walking towards it, against my will.
I won't admit to myself that I want it so badly
Even as I lean into the soft breezes that drift towards me
Over the impassible distance.

One morning a raindrop came to me
It landed on my cheek
Crying for me the tears I no longer had
For such an impossibility
And never again will I be the same.
Transformed, I run as fast as I can to the cloud
No longer caring about the pain.


III - The Time Has Come
It is not possible, it can't be.
Even now I don't believe it.
My Raincloud has come.
My Raincloud, I adore and worship you.
I can see again
And
The
World
Is
So
Beautiful.
You heal the wounds and and salve the burns
I can allow myself to feel
Because it no longer hurts.
Thoughts of the harsh hurting sun are gone
Because the beautiful rain is falling.
You bathe me, and I drink the life giving water
My lips are no longer cracked and my throat is not sore.
I see something in myself
So strange
I didn't know it was possible for me to be attractive
Not after the scars of the desert.
But my meager and weak charms
Will never compare to the cloud that brings life
To the empty canvas
To the deep painful cavern
To the dying soul
To the long cold embers.

Life dictates that I will not be here forever
Living in your sweet embrace.
You freeze, and I can't penetrate your icy exterior
You evaporate, and I can no longer see you.
The wind will come and take you away from me.
But just let me linger while I can
Let me know what it's like to be loved
And I can make it through the rest of the desert
With a new courage.